Spousal Rift

The other week I had a really bad rift with my wife. The conflict, as it always start with us, was one that is all too common in a lot of marriages - a relative of one or the other.

This time, it was my nephew whom we were trying to help immigrate and settle here in Canada. We were lucky enough to be working in a company which hires workers from other countries and thus my nephew came to work for the company as a contract worker.

Whether it was my nephew’s fault or the other person’s fault that got them both terminated from work and thus ruined their bright future, was the center of our argument,
which quickly escalated into a shouting match right in front of our kids and my mother-in-law.

According to Paul J. Bucknell (Resolving Marital Crises and avoiding Conflicts, Session #6, Marital Conflict Resolution: Part 2) there are three steps to resolve disagreements between spouses. “When we find that we disagree on something, we slow way down. We take a time out and we begin to pray.”

If we would first try to handle the individual conflicts or ‘battles,’ then our solutions are superficial. Couples need a new approach to marriage. They need to see that they are on the same team and therefore resolve to:
1) Deliberately refuse to oppose each other, and(2) Designedly work together toward a great marriage

The typical married couple has given far too much room for the evil one to bring harm to their marriage. We don’t need to do this. If we find ourselves fighting with our spouses, we should note a willingness in our hearts to battle and repent from it. Conflict reveals a heart impurity. The spouses must be convinced when they beat their spouse that both of them have lost. As a married couple we are a team, and we aim to make that team a success!

Once we have this basic commitment to our spouse, we can then take a deeper look at the conflicts couples face. Perhaps a good illustration of this is when a truce is made. Each side can stop fighting. But in the old days of poor communication, sometimes battles went on for days before knowing the war was called off! Hasn’t the war been called off in our marriage? Do we still need to have conflicts if peace is made? No. Do we still have them? Yes, we can and do, but they are no longer necessary. There is a better way of handling differing opinions.

We need a real clear way to resolve these varying opinions or the enemy will use them to make us think that we are at war with each other, which in turn will result in setting up opposing sides. Difference of opinions is not wrong, but if we are not careful, they become battlefields.
Someone might say that their chief problems are not with disagreements but just emotional reactions.
For example the husband comes home cranky or the wife barrages the husband with a slew of problems as the husband enters the house. Let us make a few observations.

1) What is normally called emotional problems are more than often sourced in spiritual problems. Our emotions are closely intertwined with our spiritual natures. If we do not handle an offence properly, then we will be angry. We can easily bring that anger home and get irritated with our spouse.

(2) Every argument requires two sides. Even if one spouse is upset, it does not mean that there needs to be a battle. The other spouse needs to intercede on the behalf of the needy spouse.

(3) Every spiritual problem that we do not properly resolve will infect our marriage. The husband and wife live too closely together not to be affected by personal sin. Sin reveals itself in our marriage.

(4) The gospel sets us free from those sins. We do not need to allow worries, fears, doubts, anger, hate, etc. control us. Christ can forgive us as the Spirit empowers us.

(5) We need to stay ministry-oriented. The Spirit of God wants us to minister through us to others including our spouse. Even though our spouse might be impatient, we need to care for them and minister Christ’s love through great patience.

(6) In a good way, both the husband and wife should check their attitudes and lives before encountering each other. Ask yourself, “Am I in the state where God can minister His love and grace through my life to my spouse.” If not, ask Him to ready you.

(7) Lastly, we should remember, that the disagreement we speak of is not necessarily a verbal disagreement. A difference in approach toward a situation or expectation of another can also bring about the same volatile situation. If a husband leaves a dirty sock hanging around, it just might be enough to set a couple against each other. The husband sees no big deal. The wife is convinced the sock should not be there. In such cases there are problems behind the ‘starter’ problem.

People will always have difference of opinions and approaches. This is true with couples too. What we do with these dissimilar viewpoints is what will characterize our lives and marriages. Great marriages are those that have learned how to utilize these differences so that they as a couple can grow. Poor marriages, however, mishandle these differing perspectives and bring further trouble into their relationships.

Keeping away from strife is an honour for a man, but any fool will quarrel (Proverbs 20:3).

We need to realize that conflicts are more than the simple difference of opinion or approach. Conflicts are the way couples poorly carry out the expression of their varying viewpoints. Spouses can get quite mean and cruel at times. On the other hand, we can see that these crises also serve as opportunities to draw closer to God and closer to our spouse. Many couples insist that crises must lead to conflict. This simply is not true. Even they, no doubt, do not argue about everything they disagree with. We believe God has given each of us a door of opportunity in which we can refuse to step into conflict

Here is a guideline that spouses should try to follow to avoid conflicts or to resolve them if ever one arises:

1) We will start by praying together for tender hearts and wisdom—committing to come together in a spirit of humility and reconciliation —considering the health of our marriage as more important than our individual interests.

2) We commit to handle ourselves with maturity —being quick to listen and slow to speak —reaching for the goal of continually trying to better understand each other.

3) We will speak the truth in love —respectfully honouring each other’s feelings.

4) We won’t allow our discussion to escalate into yelling or name-calling. And we will refrain from provoking each other by delivering “cheap shots” —sarcasm, innuendos, and rudeness which complicates the issues. If that happens we’ll call for a time-out and come back together at an agreed upon time.

5) We commit to MEAN what we say —so neither one of us is put into the position of being expected to read the other person’s mind.

6) We will stick to the subject on hand —not allowing our discussion to sidetrack onto any other grievance at this time. (Other issues can be dealt with at another time.)

7) We will avoid using “never” and “always” statements —seeking to be accurate, truthful, and realistic in what we say.

8) We will work not to judge each other—but rather seek to express our own feelings over the matter.

9) We will speak to each other in “I feel” statements (explaining our own perspective) rather than in “you” statements pointed at our spouse accusing them of feelings they may or may not have. (An example of this would be: “I feel lonely when you’re gone so much,” rather than “You never come home.”)

10) We will readily apologize and sincerely ask for forgiveness for whatever way that we have hurt our spouse and for whatever tension we’ve caused in our marital relationship by our behaviour.
in our own eye—rather than the speck in our spouse’s.

11) We will work to forgive each other as Christ has forgiven us — never again reminding our spouse of the pain for which we’ve said we’ve forgiven them. And we’ll make daily choices not to dwell on those painful thoughts in the future.

12) We will end our time together in prayer giving thanks for what we’ve learned about our relationship with each other. We will each ask God to bless our spouse and help us to be a blessing to them knowing that is our mission because of our marriage vows.

This guidelines were taken from Marriage Missions International

Sources:

Bucknell, Paul J. Resolving Marital Crises &Avoiding Conflict, Session #6
Marital Conflict Resolution: Part 2
http://www.foundationsforfreedom.net/

Marriage Missions International. RESOLVING CONFLICT GUIDELINES - With Scriptures. http://www.marriagemissions.com/